There has been a bit of a break with the holidays and general yuletide mayhem. Back at it.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of two years, “Marc,” has been talking a lot about marriage lately. I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. There is, however, one fly in the ointment: I was born a biological male.

I have never felt like a man, Abby. I have lived as a woman since high school, and when I was 25, underwent surgery to change my sex. I have never regretted my decision and, up until now, my family has always been supportive.

As I have always been a woman in every way that matters, I have never seen any reason to tell any man I’ve dated that I was born with male genitalia. My brother recently asked me if I had told Marc about my surgery and was shocked to learn that I had not.

He implored me to tell Marc, but I feel that my past is completely irrelevant to our relationship today. My brother thinks that I am obligated to confess to Marc, and he has threatened to tell him if I don’t.

Marc loves me very much and would support me no matter what, but I have left my past behind me, and I feel no reason to needlessly disturb our relationship. How do I convince my brother to let this go? — AT A LOSS IN NEW YORK

DEAR AT A LOSS:Although you may not think that the fact that you are a transsexual is relevant, it is presumptuous to think that you can speak for Marc. He needs to know the whole truth, and to keep it from him could constitute fraud. You did not mention whether he is planning on having children with you, and, loving him as you do, you need to be fair to him.

A marriage that is based on a lie is no marriage at all. It would always hang over you, and surely there are many others besides your brother who know about your sex change. My advice is to tell Marc everything before someone else does. Your future with him could depend upon his hearing the news from you — and nobody else but you.

Ok folks… now that I’ve regained my composure I can respond. That was some of the funniest shit I’ve read in a long, long time.

The only thing that you are at a loss for is a fuckin’ grip on reality. Abby is pretty much on target again which is something I’m beginning to grow used to, oddly enough. However, she left out some things. I know she’s not so quick to judge others and that’s something she needs to work on. Anyway, you should really think about this closely. Marc is in love with a woman. You do not qualify as such. Just because you grew tits doesn’t mean they’re natural – you still purchased the hormones (that’s IF you didn’t just get implants). Having tits and an inside out pecker doesn’t make you a woman. And you said it yourself – you’ve always FELT like a woman in all ways that matter. I think being born with a ding dong really matters. I hate to break it to you but, no matter how you slice it, you’re not a woman. So you better tell Marc. I would be out of arm’s length when I say it, if I were you. I also recommend being out of range of any high powered firearms.

Another good point that Abby brought up was about the kids. Were you just planning on faking impotence or what? You’re conniving enough to have this planned out and I think that if you’ve made it this long with this guy then chances are that you know he doesn’t want children in the first place.

So you think that the past doesn’t matter. Let’s have a pretend situation for a moment; sort of how you pretend that you’re not some sick degenerate. Let’s say that right before he proposes, Marc tells you that he’s actually been married twice before but he’s brutally killed both of his wives – over a small white lie. Does that past matter now? I think so, considering you just folded the hammer inside and started lieing about it. Some people have a real problem with gay sex – they’re known as heterosexuals.

Somebody is going to tell Marc sooner or later so you might as well do it now. This way you stand a chance that he’ll simply break up with you and walk away whereas, if you tell him after you’re married, he may just kill you in your sleep. Honestly, even if he’s twisted enough to be ok with marrying a He-She, why on Earth would he be ok with someone who’s lied for so long about something so severe?

So here’s what you should do: Tell Marc that you’re a lunatic and can’t marry him or be with him anymore. Do NOT tell him why though. I know that if I were him and I found out that I had been plowing an inside out pecker for X amount of years; I’d be QUITE upset. Better safe than sorry. So break up with him and leave him forever – then go kill yourself. I know this is harsh even for me, but your actions are SO far beyond acceptable. You must definitely have taken hormones because I can quite fully see that you have a fair emount of irrational energy running through you. You’ve also ruined another trend – this is the first time that a Dr.Viggy article addressed to a woman hasn’t ended with an overt suggestion that you take all your clothes off and ring my doorbell. On the contrary, keep them ALL on and stay far, far away from me.

UGH! I need a shower now.

DEAR ABBY: I am confused about my sexual orientation. I am an 18-year-old girl. Although I encounter a lot of attractive guys at work, I don’t find myself attracted to any of them. I do think that they are handsome, but I never, ever get that “butterflies in the stomach” feeling that my friends describe to me. At the same time, I am pretty sure I am not a lesbian. Is there something wrong with me? Could I be asexual? Is there any way this can be diagnosed? — CONFUSED IN NEVADA

DEAR CONFUSED: I hate to see you diagnose and label yourself. It is possible that you have simply not met the right person yet. Real life is not the way it’s presented in movies and music videos, where the hero and heroine are struck by lightning and carried away at first encounter. Give it one more year, and if you still feel there is something missing, discuss it with your doctor. Sexuality is a matter of degree, and no two people are exactly alike.

There is no way to describe yourself other than confused; that’s for sure. If you said you were 12 years old, you’d have instantly been forgiven and most likely ignored because, at that age, you don’t need to be sure. However, at 18 year of age you should have had that “butterflies in the stomach” feeling at least once. If not, how about that “moist between the legs” feeling?

Thinking men are handsome is not enough. Being secure in my masculinity and comfortable with my heterosexuality, I can look at a guy and reasonably say, “That’s a handsome guy.” It doesn’t mean I want to fuck him, by any means. It’s simply observing the people around you and having what some people call – situational awareness. At the same time, I’m sure you can see a woman and determine if she is pretty or attractive or if it looks like her face was on fire and someone put it out with a chainsaw. So, finding people to be good looking has no bearing on the subject, it just proves you have the use of your eyes.

I do applaud your efforts of recognition of a problem and the fact that you sought help. Your choice of sources (Abby) leaves a little something to be desired but you tried and that’s commendable. I’d hate for you to become asexual or lesbian and deprive men of the opportunity to make you sing. At least be bi-sexual. If you can’t pick one that particularly suits you, just do both. I’d recommend both at the same time – for the sake of comparison, of course. Since there are always factors that cannot be replicated – mood, sleep, lighting, booze, etc – you cannot have a man and a woman on separate occasions and expect a scientific result. So a threesome is the only way to include both variables (a man and a woman) with the single constant (you) and obtain a real result. I’ll consult my schedule and phone book and get the entire thing in motion. We haven’t a moment to lose.

Abby, once again, makes me almost sorry that my role in this life is to give advice. She gives a bad name to all of us that are out to provide troubled persons with sound, real solutions to the lousy hands that life deals at times. If it was not painfully obvious why you should ignore my moral minded competitor, I’ll explain. She tells you to give it another year and yet she says that sexuality is a matter of degree and no two people are alike. How could she expect to give you an exact timeframe such as “another year” if no two people are alike? If her advice was correct then there would be no single point at which you should worry thus negating her one year statement. Basically, we find, yet again and at your expense, that she has no credibility and should be taken with a grain of salt.

Apparently she also took your lack of lust to mean a lack of ability to separate fact from fiction. We all know that life isn’t like the movies. That’s why there are movies in the first place. They take us to a realm we can’t get to ordinarily – at least not without very powerful drugs and a good deal of cash. Anyway, if life and the movies were the same then we’d have won the war against terror and evil by now and probably with the help of some caped crusader or a wizard with a magic ring. At the very least, Bruce Willis would have mowed down a good portion of the bad guys. So, you want to know why this is important, right? It’s important because since you know people don’t fall in love instantly and finding “the one” is trial and error then you have to admit that you’re lack of trials is… well… a little fucked up at your age.

I know that everyone is wondering why I’ve yet to place any of the blame on you so far. I was just getting to that. I think maybe you are just a little bit too picky. I think you’re also probably not very good looking. See, girls who are attractive from a young age, generally, have experiences early on. When the testosterone gates are opened in males, long before 18, these good looking girls get plenty of attention and surely capitalize on it. In the meantime, while the dogs are all looking to bury their bone in the same hottie, the less attractive females are left begging to be table scraps. Some understand that will always be the case and, in turn, learn to give really good head. Others barricade themselves behind a marching band and tub of Chunky Monkey (aptly named, as it were).

So get out there and meet people. Have some flings, have some dates and even have some relationships that are destined to fail. It won’t find Mr. Right for you but it will give you a frame of reference so at least you know what the hell it is that you want in a man in the first place which will in turn allow you to have those butterflies when the right one does show up. Maybe he has and your lack of perspective wouldn’t let you see it was him.

If that doesn’t work, then get in shape (I suggest running to Philadelphia and back), look into cosmetic surgery and settle for the first guy that will have you.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were invited to a dinner party at which the hostess seated my husband at the main table next to her. She seated me at a far table in the corner, with my back to the dinner guests.

Fortunately, I made easy conversation and had a nice time, but I don’t feel like accepting any of her invitations in the future. My husband scarcely noticed and wonders why I might not care to be invited again. May I know your thoughts on how to handle this? — DIANA IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR DIANA: When a couple is invited to a dinner party, and the husband is seated next to the hostess, it is customary for his wife to be seated next to the host of the party. By seating you in “Siberia,” the hostess demonstrated not only a breach of etiquette, but also how little she cared about your feelings. Explain that to your husband, and perhaps he’ll get the message.

Angelic Abby missed the boat on this one entirely. Only as someone too pure of heart to have been laid inside of a decade would fail to notice – the hostess is getting filled out like an application by your dear ol’hubby. The writing is on the headboard.

You both get invited and he gets seated at the main table right next to the hostess. Not only did you get overlooked on the chair you were assigned to but you didn’t even get to sit at the same table. You were only invited to keep away suspicions. And when you showed up you were placed far enough out of the way to be a nuisance.

Make no mistake, your husband noticed. He simply pretended like it didn’t happen because discussing it might cause the tone of his voice or reaction to give it all away. He doesn’t truly wonder why you don’t want to go back. He knows damned well why you don’t want to go back. You are an attention monger and you didn’t get it that night and now you’re throwing a tantrum over the whole thing and if you go back, the cycle repeats. His”wondering” is another part of the clever ruse to downplay that there is anything going on.

Maybe if you stopped whining long enough to Abby about why you had to sit so far away, you’d have time to please your husband and prevent him from seeking the attention of another woman. Or maybe you’re just a big enough pain in the ass that he requested you sit far away just get a break.

DEAR ABBY: Please tell me what to do. I was at a birthday luncheon with six other women, and a discussion about female newscasters came up. One of the guests was raving about how wonderful a certain news anchor was, and said, “She has eight children!” Feeling naughty, I said, “That just means she likes gettin’ it on!” I realize my comment may have been off-color, but we’ve known each other 20 years, and I was just mouthing off.

The woman who had brought up the newscaster immediately took great offense and replied, “My mother had eight children!” The lady whose 81st birthday we were celebrating then said, “Your mother must have liked to do it, too.” The offended lady told us angrily that she didn’t appreciate our remarks.

I was very embarrassed and apologized repeatedly, both for myself and the honoree — who, I can assure you, meant no harm either. Then I had my lunch packed up, paid my share of the bill, and left.

I told my husband what happened, and he assured me that I had done nothing wrong. The offended woman brought her mother into the discussion, and the lady whose birthday it was made the comment about her mother. I feel ashamed and angry at the same time. The woman ignored my apology and ruined the birthday party.

Can’t a group of senior ladies who have been friends more than 20 years share a little spice? Or am I out of step? — STILL UPSET IN MIDLOTHIAN, VA.

DEAR STILL UPSET: There is an old saying, “Never discuss sex, politics or religion” at parties — and you unwittingly touched on one (possibly two) of the subjects. Do I think you committed social suicide? No, I think the woman overreacted. Write her a short note apologizing again, and then drop it. Whether she accepts it or not is up to her.

You’re damn right she overreacted. Let’s call a spade a spade here. The woman had eight kids; she liked to get it on. And had it not been for her penchant for making fucky fucky, then the offended lunatic wouldn’t be there to be offended in the first place.

It’s not like she was called a whore or anything. At last check there was one Virgin Mother (dependant on the faith of an individual) and said virgin who was said to be touched by the hand of God, only managed that trick once, let alone eight times.

Now let’s pretend for a moment that what you said was actually offensive. Being the morally sound individual who always take the high road that this woman likes to appear to be, she could and probably should have just said… nothing. Instead she decided to rant and rave at a party. There is a key ingredient. IT WAS A PARTY! Here is where I disagree with Abby (you know it was bound to happen). If you can’t discuss sex at a party then where can you discuss it? Don’t discuss politics or religion at parties simply because they’re a buzzkill, but sex is the perfect thing to discuss at a party. Anyone who’s over the age of 12 and has played spin the bottle knows that parties bring out the sexual nature of well… everyone.

So where does that leave you? In the right if I have anything to say about it. So what you said was truthful and it was in a light hearted atmosphere but the most important part is the tenure of your friendship. After twenty years she should know full well that you’re not out to be hurtful or offensive and should be just a bit of wit amongst friends, including the 81 year old honoree.

The bottom line is that she shouldn’t be upset, nor should you. She should, however, be regretful of ruining the mood at the party. Both you and the birthday girl are owed an apology and the other one needs to get her panties untwisted and realize that people like sex.

I know I do anyway!