DEAR ABBY: I am confused about my sexual orientation. I am an 18-year-old girl. Although I encounter a lot of attractive guys at work, I don’t find myself attracted to any of them. I do think that they are handsome, but I never, ever get that “butterflies in the stomach” feeling that my friends describe to me. At the same time, I am pretty sure I am not a lesbian. Is there something wrong with me? Could I be asexual? Is there any way this can be diagnosed? — CONFUSED IN NEVADA
DEAR CONFUSED: I hate to see you diagnose and label yourself. It is possible that you have simply not met the right person yet. Real life is not the way it’s presented in movies and music videos, where the hero and heroine are struck by lightning and carried away at first encounter. Give it one more year, and if you still feel there is something missing, discuss it with your doctor. Sexuality is a matter of degree, and no two people are exactly alike.
There is no way to describe yourself other than confused; that’s for sure. If you said you were 12 years old, you’d have instantly been forgiven and most likely ignored because, at that age, you don’t need to be sure. However, at 18 year of age you should have had that “butterflies in the stomach” feeling at least once. If not, how about that “moist between the legs” feeling?
Thinking men are handsome is not enough. Being secure in my masculinity and comfortable with my heterosexuality, I can look at a guy and reasonably say, “That’s a handsome guy.” It doesn’t mean I want to fuck him, by any means. It’s simply observing the people around you and having what some people call – situational awareness. At the same time, I’m sure you can see a woman and determine if she is pretty or attractive or if it looks like her face was on fire and someone put it out with a chainsaw. So, finding people to be good looking has no bearing on the subject, it just proves you have the use of your eyes.
I do applaud your efforts of recognition of a problem and the fact that you sought help. Your choice of sources (Abby) leaves a little something to be desired but you tried and that’s commendable. I’d hate for you to become asexual or lesbian and deprive men of the opportunity to make you sing. At least be bi-sexual. If you can’t pick one that particularly suits you, just do both. I’d recommend both at the same time – for the sake of comparison, of course. Since there are always factors that cannot be replicated – mood, sleep, lighting, booze, etc – you cannot have a man and a woman on separate occasions and expect a scientific result. So a threesome is the only way to include both variables (a man and a woman) with the single constant (you) and obtain a real result. I’ll consult my schedule and phone book and get the entire thing in motion. We haven’t a moment to lose.
Abby, once again, makes me almost sorry that my role in this life is to give advice. She gives a bad name to all of us that are out to provide troubled persons with sound, real solutions to the lousy hands that life deals at times. If it was not painfully obvious why you should ignore my moral minded competitor, I’ll explain. She tells you to give it another year and yet she says that sexuality is a matter of degree and no two people are alike. How could she expect to give you an exact timeframe such as “another year” if no two people are alike? If her advice was correct then there would be no single point at which you should worry thus negating her one year statement. Basically, we find, yet again and at your expense, that she has no credibility and should be taken with a grain of salt.
Apparently she also took your lack of lust to mean a lack of ability to separate fact from fiction. We all know that life isn’t like the movies. That’s why there are movies in the first place. They take us to a realm we can’t get to ordinarily – at least not without very powerful drugs and a good deal of cash. Anyway, if life and the movies were the same then we’d have won the war against terror and evil by now and probably with the help of some caped crusader or a wizard with a magic ring. At the very least, Bruce Willis would have mowed down a good portion of the bad guys. So, you want to know why this is important, right? It’s important because since you know people don’t fall in love instantly and finding “the one” is trial and error then you have to admit that you’re lack of trials is… well… a little fucked up at your age.
I know that everyone is wondering why I’ve yet to place any of the blame on you so far. I was just getting to that. I think maybe you are just a little bit too picky. I think you’re also probably not very good looking. See, girls who are attractive from a young age, generally, have experiences early on. When the testosterone gates are opened in males, long before 18, these good looking girls get plenty of attention and surely capitalize on it. In the meantime, while the dogs are all looking to bury their bone in the same hottie, the less attractive females are left begging to be table scraps. Some understand that will always be the case and, in turn, learn to give really good head. Others barricade themselves behind a marching band and tub of Chunky Monkey (aptly named, as it were).
So get out there and meet people. Have some flings, have some dates and even have some relationships that are destined to fail. It won’t find Mr. Right for you but it will give you a frame of reference so at least you know what the hell it is that you want in a man in the first place which will in turn allow you to have those butterflies when the right one does show up. Maybe he has and your lack of perspective wouldn’t let you see it was him.
If that doesn’t work, then get in shape (I suggest running to Philadelphia and back), look into cosmetic surgery and settle for the first guy that will have you.
