Early this Saturday morning I was catching up on some much needed reading. Since most of you are too damned lazy to write in, I find material in a variety of places. As you’ve seen, Dear Abby generally provides a great source of mentally deficient submitters. Bashing Abby’s 1950s model for relationship handling and her Jerry Springer reject writers even gets old though.
In an effort to bring my articles to a level only vaguely approaching vulgarity and keep my blood pressure down; this time I will refrain from dredging the shallow end of the gene pool.
This time around I will list (and report on) several “facts” stated to us by a quite attractive, and not-so-off-the-mark columnist for Esquire Magazine, Annabeth Gish. And so it goes…
1. If you tell us that playing Halo 2 improves the dexterity of your fingers, you’d better be able to prove it.
One can only imagine that she is referencing your ability to spend as much time gently fondling her one magic button as you do mashing the several on the XBOX controller. Personally, if I had to choose one or the other in my lap, rest assured it is the former far more than the latter. However, I find it hard to believe that that one who spends enough time playing video games to able to say that it improves dexterity has a woman looking for said proof. In other words, a daily routine of shooting aliens, monsters and intergalactic soldiers means you’re single. Exercise time is over; put down the controller and meet a real human being – and should you get her into be, never call “it” a plasma pulse cannon.
2. We think Porsches are as overrated and superficial as men who drive SUVs but don’t know how to shift them into four-wheel drive.
Another way of stating the old adage that big cars compensate for little peckers but compensating or not, men, you are not replaceable. If she could shift into four-wheel drive, she wouldn’t need you. I think she means that it’s still your job to shift for her and climb that hill and reach her “peak.” However, the old Reliant K is not gonna make the trip so find the balance between being pretentious and simply driving a piece of shit.
3. Watching football for three hours on a Sunday is sufficiently masculine. Watching football for nine hours is obsessive and weird.
Take those three hours to prove you’re a Red-blooded American male that’s heterosexual (she said football, not futbol) and you just might score a touchdown of your own. Surpass that timeframe and she’ll bored waiting around for the guy that’s more obsessed with other men in skin tight outfits than he is with her. Then she’ll date a soccer player.
4. When you are dancing with a woman, know how to lead. When you are intimate, know how to touch.
Both of these mean you are in control. One comes with a little more force than the other. If you don’t know which is which, then I’m sorry to say that you’ll find out the hard way. The dance requires you to take charge and she’ll follow you while dazzling spectators – think Fred and Ginger. Being intimate and knowing how to touch means that while you are still in charge, you have to follow her lead in the way of knowing what it is that she wants and what works for her and believe me, she’ll give you signs – be sure you know how to read them.
5. Chivalry does not emasculate you or make you our bitch.
Bottom line… you get to keep your pecker and wallet, most times, if you open the car door for her. Very simple concept here that requires no further explaining. Although, I will say that if you are chivalrous, it’ll help her want to borrow your pecker later that evening. Think about it.
6. Drink milk from a glass and beer from a bottle. (For better beer-drinking tips, observe carefully the sexy two-finger hold used by Jeff Bridges in Against All Odds.)
Milk from the bottle is just gross so that’s off limits. Put it in a glass. It’ll give you that innocence back from your Oreo-dunking days which women find adorable. Beer from a bottle (with proper holding technique as she mentioned) shows you’re not too dainty and light in the loafers if you know what I mean. Be a man, not a slob and know how to distinguish between the two.
7. Some of us would very much prefer the little black box from Chrome Hearts rather than the usual blue one from Tiffany’s. Translation: Don’t underestimate our edge!
This one may be trap. Sounds to me like an attempt to prove that they can think outside the Tiffany’s box by being edgy and non-conformist while really seeing if you’ll take the bait and go cheap. Either that, or she wants you to think about things on your own and try something new and tailored to her instead of adding to an ever growing collection of the same shit. Be wary here. It could go either way.
8. Grooming you is our biological proclivity. Squeezing, plucking, clipping, trimming – all these activities are ways of showing we love you. Embrace the love.
Embrace the fact that she thinks you’re one hair away from a sasquatch and when she said “Baby, I love you the way you are;” she meant forgot to add, “Once you are the way I’ll love you.” You are NOT a science experiment or a home makeover kit. You are who you are and if she liked it enough to date you in the first place, then she should have liked it enough to not change you now. However, for you Annabeth – I’m yours for the molding! Don’t any of you talk to me about hypocrisy – I already know.
9. If, while driving, you check yourself out in the rearview mirror more than you look at us, we’ll never get in another car with you.
Don’t look at yourself in the rearview mirror, you handsome devil. Adjust it so you can look down her blouse!
10. Laughter and listening: These are the two bridges between your planet and ours. Do both with us often and we’ll love you like crazy.
I’m sorry… were you saying something?
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