I’ve been skirting an issue for a while now and I think it’s about time that it is discussed. We’ve all heard the term “Nice guys finish last.” I know it’s cliche but why do things become cliche in the first place? Because they’re true enough to be said over and over.
How many time are you out and there is a beautiful woman walking along and just when you are ready to talk to her, up comes some fat slob of a guy and she nearly climbs down his throat in passion? And how many women out there run around with these big muscle head, meatballs and get treated like shit the entire time while there are nice guys just waiting to treat them the way they “claim” they want to be treated and yet remain ignored?
I once had a roommate in college who was an acting major and he introduced me to something called “the ballad of the nice guy” and i don’t think truer words have ever been spoken.
Let’s give you some backstory first. The male character, Alan, is in a bar trying to talk to a woman. Alan is a legitimately nice guy. This hosebeast, Diane, gives Alan 3 minutes to talk about himself and if she likes what she hears, he wins her for the night. He fumbles a few times until he delivers the ballad of a nice guy.
Alan. (his frustration and anger builds gradually as HE delivers this) I’m a nice guy. I’m a goddamn nice guy. I say that not because I think it’s true, but because that’s what everybody says. Ask any girl who’s known me for more than a week, and that’s how they’ll describe me. “Alan? He’s a nice guy.” They say that because, you know, hell, you know nice guys right? Don’t try to hurt people, try to be a gentleman. Treat people right, especially girls. Because that’s what we learned girls are attracted to; they want to be treated right. Right? You get a bunch of girls together and get them talking about guys, and they’ll dream you up the perfect gentleman. But when it comes to real life, oh man! That’s very different. Because you get those girls together and get them talking about real men, not figments of their imagination, but real people and what do you get? (Mimicking.) “Ohhh, men are scum! Men are slime! Men are shits!” (You notice how all those words begin with “S”? I think there’s something to that.) So men are all these “S” words, all these and more, but who do the girls date? Who comes on to them at bars and who do they go home with? The slime! The shits! And after they get hurt, and they always do, they call me up to confide in me, because long ago we decided that were “just going to be friends.” (I swear you girls need to get a whole new vocabulary; you’ve started so many goddamn cliches it’s not funny). So these girls call me up and they say, “Alan, all guys are sliiiime!” And then they realize that they’re talking to a guy, and they say, “Oh, except you, Alan, you’re a nice guy. When you find a girlfriend, she’s going to be such a lucky girl, But it can’t be me because, well, I’m attracted to guys that are going to shit all over me.” So great. So now I have all the friends I need, so why should I be a nice guy anymore? Huh? I think I’ll be a shit now. Yeah! I think I’ll learn some stupid pick-up lines and use them on girls who are dressed to get laid. I think I’ll be proud of how loud I can belch. I think I’ll use women like they’re Black and Decker screwdrivers! Sure! That’s what girls really want to hear! So great. Life begins now, okay? OKAY? Come on, babe, let’s go home and FUCK!
And there is the the end of the ballad of a nice guy. I have to give credit and a ton of respect to Eric Berlin for writing that masterpiece called “The Line That’s Picked Up 1000 Babes” as part of “Babes and Brides: Two one-act plays.” After hearing that monologue delievered by my roommate in the fall of 1997 I spent roughly three years searching for the entire book before I managed to order it directly from the publisher (at a premium price, I might add).
In case you’re wondering, that rant did NOT get the girl through no fault of Alan’s. She, like all women, was victim of her own irrational energies. This is an all too common tale fellas.
I just thought everyone needed to be acquainted with Alan and his thoughts. I also think that this legitimizes the “nice guys finish last” cliche.
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