20 Things

A list has been popping up in the face of Dr. Viggy for the last 3 days and it needs to be addressed. In my old age, I’m getting both wiser, yet forgetful. Have I spoken about double standards and crazy broads who think the world revolves around them? I’m not that senile you. Of course I have. But yet it continues. Here’s the list with my explanations/rebuttals after each one. Standard text is the list. Bold is Doc Viggy. The title is “20 things guys should NEVER do to girls.”

  1. Make fun of her hair, face, body or clothes. Seriously. Don’t. Girls take care of themselves way more than men do. Girls will also constantly make fun of men for all those things. Fair is fair right? What’s good for the goose is good for the gander as they say.
  2. Overuse sarcasm. It’s one thing to joke. It’s another to speak sarcasm as a second language. Sure… we’ll stop the sarcasm.
  3. Flirt with other girls. It doesn’t make us want you more..it just makes us angry. We will remember that the next time you see some shirtless muscled meatball at the beach and you go gaga over him.
  4. Cheat. You’ll never get away with it. Realistically, 99% of people don’t cheat for no reason at all. They are driven into the arms of another. Not that it makes it right, but take some of the responsibility.
  5. Make promises you can’t keep. If you can’t follow through, don’t say it. Sometimes it’s about trying to keep the promise and life happens. It’s not done purpose. Also, pay attention to the intentionality. If a man makes a promise and means to keep it, even if he knows he can’t you should love that he tried, against all odds to do something he knew he couldn’t… just for YOU!
  6. Say “I love you” if you don’t mean it. If the girl you “love” gained 300 pounds, would you still love her? Probably not. You mean the same way you’ll not love your man when he’s 300 pounds and/or bald. If a person was 150 pounds and is now 300 pounds, their partner may not love them and you know what… that’s ok. That kind of weight gain means the person is not taking care of themselves, have no respect for themselves, doesn’t consider the long term health risks and is generally a lazy, fat slob. Falling out of love with a 300lb blimp of a girl is most likely because of the person she’s become to gain the weight and not the weight itself.
  7. Lie. You will get caught. Don’t ever-under any circumstances-try to keep a lie going with a girl. It will not work. Really, Sherlock Holmes? 
  8. Deny things that are true. If a girl confronts you about something…she already knows the truth. Denying it makes her more angry. Grow some balls and own up to it. Because a girl has never one been uninformed or gotten the wrong story. Because her gossipy, bitch girlfriends may not be spreading rumors. If she knows it, it MUST be true right? Get real ladies.
  9. Pressure her. If she wants to do something with you, she will. And at what point did relationships become about the girls watch. When she wants to do something we have do. When we want to do something we have to hope she does too. Get off your throne, Queen Bee.
  10. Talk about other girls. Don’t say they’re hot, pretty, or even nice. We don’t want to hear it. As much as we love you, you’re not the only girl on the planet Earth and you’re not the only attractive one either. Other girls are pretty. Have some goddamn confidence and realize that while other girls may be pretty, we’re sitting there WITH YOU!
  11. Talk to her about your ex-girlfriends. If you’re saying nice stuff, we’ll assume you still like her. If you say shit, we’ll assume you’ll say the same about us. Another asinine request. Whether an old relationship ended easily and smoothly or was World War III it’s important to talk about. Every relationship (personal, romantic, business, etc) brings something into our lives that is worth talking about. We learn from them. They shape us. No matter how  badly you want to pretend you’re the first girl we’ve ever met….you’re not.
  12. Say shit behind her back. No matter how much you try to keep it a secret, she will hear about it. Well that’s a problem we need to take up with our friends
  13. Be a dick to her in front of her friends. You might think it’s funny, but she definitely will not. Any guy that’s doing that is a jerk off in the first place. A real man knows better than to act that way in front of the wolf pack. Blame your judgment in picking a dude that acts like a jerk. 
  14. Try to make it look like something was her fault to get yourself out of trouble. It will make things much, much worse. This is a human trait and not a man or a woman trait. Passing the buck is what people do. Have a relationship that incorporates real communication and this won’t be an issue.
  15. Ask why she’s mad at you. Say you were wrong and apologize. Do not say you didn’t do anything wrong. If she’s mad, you obviously did something wrong. Women are emotional creatures. We know it and they know it. There are time (especially certain times during the month) that they are more emotional than others. Is it even remotely possible that she’s just made for no reason? Is it possible she misunderstood something and took it the wrong way? Is it possible that a guy REALLY has NO idea why she’s mad? Don’t aim for LESS communication. 
  16. Joke about wanting to break up. It won’t be taken as a joke and you’ll be single before you can tell her you were kidding. If a guy jokes about breaking up and is clearly joking and she doesn’t recognize that, then she doesn’t know him or his sense of humor and he’s better off without her anyway.
  17. Tell her she’s overreacting. If you thought she was mad before, prepare to meet the she-beast from hell. Sure. When I’m home for dinner 5 minutes later and she throws a pot at my head… that’s a legitimate reaction, right?
  18. Go to parties or hang out with other girls without your girlfriend. No matter how much she trusts you, she’ll be worried. Some girls we’ve known since we were 8 years old. If we haven’t fucked them by now, we aren’t going to. Try to get in the way of a legitimate friendship and that female friend will do everything to fuck me out of spite. Friends are friends. If you worry, then you DON’T trust your man and you’re relationship sucks and so do you.
  19. Make excuses. If you screwed up, don’t try to get out of it. Excuses aren’t always a bad thing. They aren’t always a cop out. Sometimes an excuse is exactly the definition. Sometimes it is something that actually excuses you from wrongdoing. I’m sorry I didn’t answer the phone. I was taking a shit. Is that an excuse or am I excused from whatever’s got your panties in a twist because I legitimately could not answer the phone.
  20. Talk to her when you’re mad. You will screw something up and regret it. So you’d rather us bottle it all up until we explode or get a stomach ulcer or end up with hypertension. It’s nice to know that you’re there for us when times are tough and we can vent to you.

There ya go ladies. I’m pretty sure this list was written by a 19 year old. Or a retarded 27 year old.

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D-Day… err… I mean V-Day is here!

Figures that it takes Valentine’s Day to bring me back to writing articles. I’m sure I was severely missed and now I can reasonably expect tons more hatemail from irrational women, fags, and tree-hugging hippies. Yay for me! Before I jump into it, let me remind everyone one of the most notable historical events on February 14th was a MASSACRE. Much like the acts performed on men’s egos by women feeling unsatisfied with our efforts.

Anyway, I woke up this morning and turned on the radio to listen to my favorite morning zoo show and get over the fact that it was morning already. As per usual, they’re waxing intellectual with brain dead listeners about Valentine’s Day. Getting ready to put on NPR, just to avoid the sappy bullshit, I realized that this was not the usual barrage of “I LOVE YOU” shout outs. This was a discussion about who does what for their partner on the most synthetic of holidays. I decided to listen in for just a moment. Sure enough, moments later, I discharged high pressure orange juice out of both barrels of my nose – one dedicated to hilarity and the other to disgust.

Women were spouting obscenities induced by irrational energy, pushed by 50,000 watts and men were defending themselves. Here’s the point of the insanity. All the Breasted-Americans were claiming that they need to be pampered on Valentine’s day and that their man should go above and beyond. Don’t let me lose you yet, as I understand that’s no secret. Here’s where it gets interesting. Despite that, they were saying that one day of pampering and spoiling does not make up for 364 days of being a jerk. Time out.

Let’s talk about the guys. They were each trying to convince the radio jocks and their listeners that they had the foolproof plan to making a woman satisfied on Hallmark Day. Guys… give up. First of all, you CAN’T do it. Give some; they want a lot. Give alot; they want a ton. Give a ton; they bitch because you’re broke all year long. Besides, you shouldn’t have to. You’ll see why momentarily.

Now ladies, we’re back to you. First of all, saying that one day doesn’t make up for 364 days of being a jerk actually puts you in a bad light. That means that you stuck with a jerk the rest of the year. Unless you’re an indentured girlfriend, then it’s on you to leave prior to that. Next, you want that day to be MORE special than the rest, by your own admission. So if he’s sweet all 365 days in the same way, then it’s not special anymore, is it? Strike 2, girls.

Now for the fatal flaw that will free the men and condemn the women, as I so love to do. At what point did it change from “Valentine’s Day” to “Give a bitch everything she wants day” in this country? Oh wait a minute… it didn’t. It’s a day for lovers. In that case you’re supposed to give back, aren’t you? That means you actually do something for him, buy him something, or maybe just keep your trap shut for 24 hours which may be gift enough for a lot of men out there.

So before you call your pussy posse, to complain that you’re mistreated by the guy you CHOOSE to stay with, think about if your effort even comes remotely close to his. I’d venture to say that it doesn’t. So guys, until women learn that it’s about you in a collective sense and not about HER, I wouldn’t even bother.

She thinks you’re a jerk 364 days already, what’s one more day?

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Men don’t understand you either

i really don’t understand men… why would you think that a girl would be ready or willing to jump into a new something with you when she’s going thru heart break??? do you really think it’s a good time or that she wants to hear nice things.. i dunno maybe it’s just me and i should be flattered but it’s not what i want to hear.. i don’t want to hear i deserve better or that there is someone out there that will treat me better blah blah blah.. please just tell me like it is.. it sucks big time ( this is NOT directed to every guy thats talked to me since monday just a few)

Here we go again with the broads not able to make up their damn minds. So obviously this one is suffering through heartbreak. As is typical for the female variety, I’m sure she has been complaining about all the reasons why she she deserves to be loved and she can’t believe he did this or that and she’s basically just a mess over the whole thing. Everyone gets that way… everyone except the calm, cool, and collected Dr. Viggy, of course.

So here comes the nice guy. They guy she wants. The guy that her ex is, most certainly, not. He gives her a shoulder to cry on. He gives her a compliment. He tries to allay her fears that she’s nto going to be alone forever. He tries to boost her confidence and self-esteem. He does all the things a woman makes us believe she wants, right?

NOOOOOO…. this guy is destined for trouble in one way or another. There’s the nearly unavoidable trip to the friend zone. See the article titled “On being a nice guy” for more on that one. Then there’s the possibility that he will simply just get smacked for trying to get in her pants (even if his intentions truly are honorable). In this case, however, neither of the above happened. He’s just a jerk for not letting her be heartbroken. She’s hell bent on being miserable and she’ll be damned if she’s going to let anyone cheer her up – especially a… a… a MAN! Not after what she’s been through.

Now, let’s imagine for a moment he didn’t do any of this stuff. It would only further her cause that men suck and she doesn’t deserve better. She’d wonder where all the good guys are. When is it her turn? We have all heard the crappy cliche about always being a bridesmaid, but never a bride. Maybe the ones saying what they are saying actually ARE the good ones. When she asks for people to “please just tell me like it is” has she considered that what’s being is IS how it is? Of course not. She’s an emotional wreck, suffering from irrational energies.

The final nail in the estrogen coffin is what she put in parentheses. She said, “this is NOT directed to every guy thats talked to me since monday just a few.” What in the world makes you think that anyone else will want to talk to you after that line? You eviscerate the nice guys on the world’s largest social network and think for even a minute that someone else will step to the plate? Don’t think so.

All is not lost. Dr. Viggy has a solution for you. Take all those feelings (and your drawers) and put them aside. Let the doc fill you with good thoughts (and other things) until you’re back on your feet. I’m not being filthy. This is medical. Sex releases endorphins. You’ll feel better getting some action (chemically). You’ll get some self-esteem and confidence back by seeing you’re capable of pleasing a guy. All will be well. I’ll even let you use your tears of self pity as lubrication.

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Those are definitely NOT real!

There has been a bit of a break with the holidays and general yuletide mayhem. Back at it.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of two years, “Marc,” has been talking a lot about marriage lately. I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. There is, however, one fly in the ointment: I was born a biological male.

I have never felt like a man, Abby. I have lived as a woman since high school, and when I was 25, underwent surgery to change my sex. I have never regretted my decision and, up until now, my family has always been supportive.

As I have always been a woman in every way that matters, I have never seen any reason to tell any man I’ve dated that I was born with male genitalia. My brother recently asked me if I had told Marc about my surgery and was shocked to learn that I had not.

He implored me to tell Marc, but I feel that my past is completely irrelevant to our relationship today. My brother thinks that I am obligated to confess to Marc, and he has threatened to tell him if I don’t.

Marc loves me very much and would support me no matter what, but I have left my past behind me, and I feel no reason to needlessly disturb our relationship. How do I convince my brother to let this go? — AT A LOSS IN NEW YORK

DEAR AT A LOSS:Although you may not think that the fact that you are a transsexual is relevant, it is presumptuous to think that you can speak for Marc. He needs to know the whole truth, and to keep it from him could constitute fraud. You did not mention whether he is planning on having children with you, and, loving him as you do, you need to be fair to him.

A marriage that is based on a lie is no marriage at all. It would always hang over you, and surely there are many others besides your brother who know about your sex change. My advice is to tell Marc everything before someone else does. Your future with him could depend upon his hearing the news from you — and nobody else but you.

Ok folks… now that I’ve regained my composure I can respond. That was some of the funniest shit I’ve read in a long, long time.

The only thing that you are at a loss for is a fuckin’ grip on reality. Abby is pretty much on target again which is something I’m beginning to grow used to, oddly enough. However, she left out some things. I know she’s not so quick to judge others and that’s something she needs to work on. Anyway, you should really think about this closely. Marc is in love with a woman. You do not qualify as such. Just because you grew tits doesn’t mean they’re natural – you still purchased the hormones (that’s IF you didn’t just get implants). Having tits and an inside out pecker doesn’t make you a woman. And you said it yourself – you’ve always FELT like a woman in all ways that matter. I think being born with a ding dong really matters. I hate to break it to you but, no matter how you slice it, you’re not a woman. So you better tell Marc. I would be out of arm’s length when I say it, if I were you. I also recommend being out of range of any high powered firearms.

Another good point that Abby brought up was about the kids. Were you just planning on faking impotence or what? You’re conniving enough to have this planned out and I think that if you’ve made it this long with this guy then chances are that you know he doesn’t want children in the first place.

So you think that the past doesn’t matter. Let’s have a pretend situation for a moment; sort of how you pretend that you’re not some sick degenerate. Let’s say that right before he proposes, Marc tells you that he’s actually been married twice before but he’s brutally killed both of his wives – over a small white lie. Does that past matter now? I think so, considering you just folded the hammer inside and started lieing about it. Some people have a real problem with gay sex – they’re known as heterosexuals.

Somebody is going to tell Marc sooner or later so you might as well do it now. This way you stand a chance that he’ll simply break up with you and walk away whereas, if you tell him after you’re married, he may just kill you in your sleep. Honestly, even if he’s twisted enough to be ok with marrying a He-She, why on Earth would he be ok with someone who’s lied for so long about something so severe?

So here’s what you should do: Tell Marc that you’re a lunatic and can’t marry him or be with him anymore. Do NOT tell him why though. I know that if I were him and I found out that I had been plowing an inside out pecker for X amount of years; I’d be QUITE upset. Better safe than sorry. So break up with him and leave him forever – then go kill yourself. I know this is harsh even for me, but your actions are SO far beyond acceptable. You must definitely have taken hormones because I can quite fully see that you have a fair emount of irrational energy running through you. You’ve also ruined another trend – this is the first time that a Dr.Viggy article addressed to a woman hasn’t ended with an overt suggestion that you take all your clothes off and ring my doorbell. On the contrary, keep them ALL on and stay far, far away from me.

UGH! I need a shower now.

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A Sexual Girl or Asexual Girl?

DEAR ABBY: I am confused about my sexual orientation. I am an 18-year-old girl. Although I encounter a lot of attractive guys at work, I don’t find myself attracted to any of them. I do think that they are handsome, but I never, ever get that “butterflies in the stomach” feeling that my friends describe to me. At the same time, I am pretty sure I am not a lesbian. Is there something wrong with me? Could I be asexual? Is there any way this can be diagnosed? — CONFUSED IN NEVADA

DEAR CONFUSED: I hate to see you diagnose and label yourself. It is possible that you have simply not met the right person yet. Real life is not the way it’s presented in movies and music videos, where the hero and heroine are struck by lightning and carried away at first encounter. Give it one more year, and if you still feel there is something missing, discuss it with your doctor. Sexuality is a matter of degree, and no two people are exactly alike.

There is no way to describe yourself other than confused; that’s for sure. If you said you were 12 years old, you’d have instantly been forgiven and most likely ignored because, at that age, you don’t need to be sure. However, at 18 year of age you should have had that “butterflies in the stomach” feeling at least once. If not, how about that “moist between the legs” feeling?

Thinking men are handsome is not enough. Being secure in my masculinity and comfortable with my heterosexuality, I can look at a guy and reasonably say, “That’s a handsome guy.” It doesn’t mean I want to fuck him, by any means. It’s simply observing the people around you and having what some people call – situational awareness. At the same time, I’m sure you can see a woman and determine if she is pretty or attractive or if it looks like her face was on fire and someone put it out with a chainsaw. So, finding people to be good looking has no bearing on the subject, it just proves you have the use of your eyes.

I do applaud your efforts of recognition of a problem and the fact that you sought help. Your choice of sources (Abby) leaves a little something to be desired but you tried and that’s commendable. I’d hate for you to become asexual or lesbian and deprive men of the opportunity to make you sing. At least be bi-sexual. If you can’t pick one that particularly suits you, just do both. I’d recommend both at the same time – for the sake of comparison, of course. Since there are always factors that cannot be replicated – mood, sleep, lighting, booze, etc – you cannot have a man and a woman on separate occasions and expect a scientific result. So a threesome is the only way to include both variables (a man and a woman) with the single constant (you) and obtain a real result. I’ll consult my schedule and phone book and get the entire thing in motion. We haven’t a moment to lose.

Abby, once again, makes me almost sorry that my role in this life is to give advice. She gives a bad name to all of us that are out to provide troubled persons with sound, real solutions to the lousy hands that life deals at times. If it was not painfully obvious why you should ignore my moral minded competitor, I’ll explain. She tells you to give it another year and yet she says that sexuality is a matter of degree and no two people are alike. How could she expect to give you an exact timeframe such as “another year” if no two people are alike? If her advice was correct then there would be no single point at which you should worry thus negating her one year statement. Basically, we find, yet again and at your expense, that she has no credibility and should be taken with a grain of salt.

Apparently she also took your lack of lust to mean a lack of ability to separate fact from fiction. We all know that life isn’t like the movies. That’s why there are movies in the first place. They take us to a realm we can’t get to ordinarily – at least not without very powerful drugs and a good deal of cash. Anyway, if life and the movies were the same then we’d have won the war against terror and evil by now and probably with the help of some caped crusader or a wizard with a magic ring. At the very least, Bruce Willis would have mowed down a good portion of the bad guys. So, you want to know why this is important, right? It’s important because since you know people don’t fall in love instantly and finding “the one” is trial and error then you have to admit that you’re lack of trials is… well… a little fucked up at your age.

I know that everyone is wondering why I’ve yet to place any of the blame on you so far. I was just getting to that. I think maybe you are just a little bit too picky. I think you’re also probably not very good looking. See, girls who are attractive from a young age, generally, have experiences early on. When the testosterone gates are opened in males, long before 18, these good looking girls get plenty of attention and surely capitalize on it. In the meantime, while the dogs are all looking to bury their bone in the same hottie, the less attractive females are left begging to be table scraps. Some understand that will always be the case and, in turn, learn to give really good head. Others barricade themselves behind a marching band and tub of Chunky Monkey (aptly named, as it were).

So get out there and meet people. Have some flings, have some dates and even have some relationships that are destined to fail. It won’t find Mr. Right for you but it will give you a frame of reference so at least you know what the hell it is that you want in a man in the first place which will in turn allow you to have those butterflies when the right one does show up. Maybe he has and your lack of perspective wouldn’t let you see it was him.

If that doesn’t work, then get in shape (I suggest running to Philadelphia and back), look into cosmetic surgery and settle for the first guy that will have you.

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Truth or Profit?

Doc: I have a good friend who owns a prosperous business. I’ll call him “Oscar.” Oscar has no clue that one of his employees, “Shirley,” is stealing big chunks of money from him.

I feel bad for the friend who is being taken, and also for the person doing the stealing. I know them both well, and if I were to tell him, Oscar would lose both a friend and an employee. Shirley has worked for him for more than a dozen years. Her son and her brother now work for him, too. If I blow the whistle, Shirley could lose her home and other investments.

This could get very ugly, and I don’t want to be in the middle. Please tell me what to do.

Too late and tough shit, you are already in the middle. You know the situation and you know both of them. You may not be caught in the middle totally just yet because you can walk away and say nothing but that doesn’t help anyone.

“Oscar” may be getting taken advantage of but anyone who can get ripped off in “big chunks” and not catch on leaves a little to be desired when it comes to business abilities. Regardless of his street smarts and savvy when it comes to dealing with people, Shirley doesn’t deserve a dime of that money. I, frankly, don’t give a shit that she may lose her house and other investments. She’s enough of a scumbag to have gotten those in less than honest ways. Oscar will not lose a friend because a friend wouldn’t rip you off like that. If she’s worked for him for more than a dozen years and has gotten jobs there for other family members then she owes Oscar the common fucking courtesy to not take his money. Capitalizing on a boss’ inability to keep good books is like molesting a retard with no legs. They can’t fight back and you just don’t get the same satisfaction as you would if you manipulated a fully capable person.

Check your emotions at the door and don’t think about who you feel bad for. Oscar needs to pay better attention to his finances and Shirley needs to not be a money grubbing whore, but that’s all wishful thinking. I need to get blown morning, noon and night but we have to make do with the hand we’re dealt, right?

Here’s what I’d do if I were you… Go to Shirley and call her out. Tell her you know what she’s been up to and tell her that at that moment she is to give you all the details, including amounts. From there make a decision; can you take a big enough of cut of Shirley’s skimming to keep your trap shut? If not, to go Oscar and maybe he’ll hook you up with a few bucks in the short term for saving him tons in the long run. If you’re smart, you’ll squeeze Shirley then go back to Oscar anyway.

Luck is simply recognizing opportunity.

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Sitting in Siberia

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were invited to a dinner party at which the hostess seated my husband at the main table next to her. She seated me at a far table in the corner, with my back to the dinner guests.

Fortunately, I made easy conversation and had a nice time, but I don’t feel like accepting any of her invitations in the future. My husband scarcely noticed and wonders why I might not care to be invited again. May I know your thoughts on how to handle this? — DIANA IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR DIANA: When a couple is invited to a dinner party, and the husband is seated next to the hostess, it is customary for his wife to be seated next to the host of the party. By seating you in “Siberia,” the hostess demonstrated not only a breach of etiquette, but also how little she cared about your feelings. Explain that to your husband, and perhaps he’ll get the message.

Angelic Abby missed the boat on this one entirely. Only as someone too pure of heart to have been laid inside of a decade would fail to notice – the hostess is getting filled out like an application by your dear ol’hubby. The writing is on the headboard.

You both get invited and he gets seated at the main table right next to the hostess. Not only did you get overlooked on the chair you were assigned to but you didn’t even get to sit at the same table. You were only invited to keep away suspicions. And when you showed up you were placed far enough out of the way to be a nuisance.

Make no mistake, your husband noticed. He simply pretended like it didn’t happen because discussing it might cause the tone of his voice or reaction to give it all away. He doesn’t truly wonder why you don’t want to go back. He knows damned well why you don’t want to go back. You are an attention monger and you didn’t get it that night and now you’re throwing a tantrum over the whole thing and if you go back, the cycle repeats. His”wondering” is another part of the clever ruse to downplay that there is anything going on.

Maybe if you stopped whining long enough to Abby about why you had to sit so far away, you’d have time to please your husband and prevent him from seeking the attention of another woman. Or maybe you’re just a big enough pain in the ass that he requested you sit far away just get a break.

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10 Things You Don’t Know About Women

Early this Saturday morning I was catching up on some much needed reading. Since most of you are too damned lazy to write in, I find material in a variety of places. As you’ve seen, Dear Abby generally provides a great source of mentally deficient submitters. Bashing Abby’s 1950s model for relationship handling and her Jerry Springer reject writers even gets old though.

In an effort to bring my articles to a level only vaguely approaching vulgarity and keep my blood pressure down; this time I will refrain from dredging the shallow end of the gene pool.

This time around I will list (and report on) several “facts” stated to us by a quite attractive, and not-so-off-the-mark columnist for Esquire Magazine, Annabeth Gish. And so it goes…

1. If you tell us that playing Halo 2 improves the dexterity of your fingers, you’d better be able to prove it.
One can only imagine that she is referencing your ability to spend as much time gently fondling her one magic button as you do mashing the several on the XBOX controller. Personally, if I had to choose one or the other in my lap, rest assured it is the former far more than the latter. However, I find it hard to believe that that one who spends enough time playing video games to able to say that it improves dexterity has a woman looking for said proof. In other words, a daily routine of shooting aliens, monsters and intergalactic soldiers means you’re single. Exercise time is over; put down the controller and meet a real human being – and should you get her into be, never call “it” a plasma pulse cannon.

2. We think Porsches are as overrated and superficial as men who drive SUVs but don’t know how to shift them into four-wheel drive.
Another way of stating the old adage that big cars compensate for little peckers but compensating or not, men, you are not replaceable. If she could shift into four-wheel drive, she wouldn’t need you. I think she means that it’s still your job to shift for her and climb that hill and reach her “peak.” However, the old Reliant K is not gonna make the trip so find the balance between being pretentious and simply driving a piece of shit.

3. Watching football for three hours on a Sunday is sufficiently masculine. Watching football for nine hours is obsessive and weird.
Take those three hours to prove you’re a Red-blooded American male that’s heterosexual (she said football, not futbol) and you just might score a touchdown of your own. Surpass that timeframe and she’ll bored waiting around for the guy that’s more obsessed with other men in skin tight outfits than he is with her. Then she’ll date a soccer player.

4. When you are dancing with a woman, know how to lead. When you are intimate, know how to touch.
Both of these mean you are in control. One comes with a little more force than the other. If you don’t know which is which, then I’m sorry to say that you’ll find out the hard way. The dance requires you to take charge and she’ll follow you while dazzling spectators – think Fred and Ginger. Being intimate and knowing how to touch means that while you are still in charge, you have to follow her lead in the way of knowing what it is that she wants and what works for her and believe me, she’ll give you signs – be sure you know how to read them.

5. Chivalry does not emasculate you or make you our bitch.
Bottom line… you get to keep your pecker and wallet, most times, if you open the car door for her. Very simple concept here that requires no further explaining. Although, I will say that if you are chivalrous, it’ll help her want to borrow your pecker later that evening. Think about it.

6. Drink milk from a glass and beer from a bottle. (For better beer-drinking tips, observe carefully the sexy two-finger hold used by Jeff Bridges in Against All Odds.)
Milk from the bottle is just gross so that’s off limits. Put it in a glass. It’ll give you that innocence back from your Oreo-dunking days which women find adorable. Beer from a bottle (with proper holding technique as she mentioned) shows you’re not too dainty and light in the loafers if you know what I mean. Be a man, not a slob and know how to distinguish between the two.

7. Some of us would very much prefer the little black box from Chrome Hearts rather than the usual blue one from Tiffany’s. Translation: Don’t underestimate our edge!
This one may be trap. Sounds to me like an attempt to prove that they can think outside the Tiffany’s box by being edgy and non-conformist while really seeing if you’ll take the bait and go cheap. Either that, or she wants you to think about things on your own and try something new and tailored to her instead of adding to an ever growing collection of the same shit. Be wary here. It could go either way.

8. Grooming you is our biological proclivity. Squeezing, plucking, clipping, trimming – all these activities are ways of showing we love you. Embrace the love.
Embrace the fact that she thinks you’re one hair away from a sasquatch and when she said “Baby, I love you the way you are;” she meant forgot to add, “Once you are the way I’ll love you.” You are NOT a science experiment or a home makeover kit. You are who you are and if she liked it enough to date you in the first place, then she should have liked it enough to not change you now. However, for you Annabeth – I’m yours for the molding! Don’t any of you talk to me about hypocrisy – I already know.

9. If, while driving, you check yourself out in the rearview mirror more than you look at us, we’ll never get in another car with you.
Don’t look at yourself in the rearview mirror, you handsome devil. Adjust it so you can look down her blouse!

10. Laughter and listening: These are the two bridges between your planet and ours. Do both with us often and we’ll love you like crazy.
I’m sorry… were you saying something?

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Get it on!

DEAR ABBY: Please tell me what to do. I was at a birthday luncheon with six other women, and a discussion about female newscasters came up. One of the guests was raving about how wonderful a certain news anchor was, and said, “She has eight children!” Feeling naughty, I said, “That just means she likes gettin’ it on!” I realize my comment may have been off-color, but we’ve known each other 20 years, and I was just mouthing off.

The woman who had brought up the newscaster immediately took great offense and replied, “My mother had eight children!” The lady whose 81st birthday we were celebrating then said, “Your mother must have liked to do it, too.” The offended lady told us angrily that she didn’t appreciate our remarks.

I was very embarrassed and apologized repeatedly, both for myself and the honoree — who, I can assure you, meant no harm either. Then I had my lunch packed up, paid my share of the bill, and left.

I told my husband what happened, and he assured me that I had done nothing wrong. The offended woman brought her mother into the discussion, and the lady whose birthday it was made the comment about her mother. I feel ashamed and angry at the same time. The woman ignored my apology and ruined the birthday party.

Can’t a group of senior ladies who have been friends more than 20 years share a little spice? Or am I out of step? — STILL UPSET IN MIDLOTHIAN, VA.

DEAR STILL UPSET: There is an old saying, “Never discuss sex, politics or religion” at parties — and you unwittingly touched on one (possibly two) of the subjects. Do I think you committed social suicide? No, I think the woman overreacted. Write her a short note apologizing again, and then drop it. Whether she accepts it or not is up to her.

You’re damn right she overreacted. Let’s call a spade a spade here. The woman had eight kids; she liked to get it on. And had it not been for her penchant for making fucky fucky, then the offended lunatic wouldn’t be there to be offended in the first place.

It’s not like she was called a whore or anything. At last check there was one Virgin Mother (dependant on the faith of an individual) and said virgin who was said to be touched by the hand of God, only managed that trick once, let alone eight times.

Now let’s pretend for a moment that what you said was actually offensive. Being the morally sound individual who always take the high road that this woman likes to appear to be, she could and probably should have just said… nothing. Instead she decided to rant and rave at a party. There is a key ingredient. IT WAS A PARTY! Here is where I disagree with Abby (you know it was bound to happen). If you can’t discuss sex at a party then where can you discuss it? Don’t discuss politics or religion at parties simply because they’re a buzzkill, but sex is the perfect thing to discuss at a party. Anyone who’s over the age of 12 and has played spin the bottle knows that parties bring out the sexual nature of well… everyone.

So where does that leave you? In the right if I have anything to say about it. So what you said was truthful and it was in a light hearted atmosphere but the most important part is the tenure of your friendship. After twenty years she should know full well that you’re not out to be hurtful or offensive and should be just a bit of wit amongst friends, including the 81 year old honoree.

The bottom line is that she shouldn’t be upset, nor should you. She should, however, be regretful of ruining the mood at the party. Both you and the birthday girl are owed an apology and the other one needs to get her panties untwisted and realize that people like sex.

I know I do anyway!

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Pillow Talk

And I’m not talking about all that filthy stuff you animals say to each other in the heat of passion. Get your minds out of the gutter… I never thought I’d hear myself say that. Anyway…

Dr.Viggy is a bachelor, believe it or not. Some of you are shocked because you understand that I’m just a slick sonuvabitch with a lot to offer a lady (plus a hammer the size of your forearm). Others are shocked in a more sarcast sense because, to you, i’m JUST a sonuvabitch. We all know the titles that have been given to me and the names I’ve been called and I dare not repeat any of them. But, I digress.

So, as I was saying, I’m single like a dollar bill. That being said, take a look at my bed. You will notice something definitively “bachelor-like.” I have no more pillows on my bed than any one person should need. I have TWO pillow on my bed. I may sleep with one or both or maybe just save one for those times my bed is graced with the presence of a member of the fairer sex.

Now here’s where I break the mold just a bit. Because I purchased a bed set (sheets, comforter, etc) it came with something called pillow shams (talk to the nearest female to understand that term). And these shams are just that… a sham. It’s bullshit. These pillows serve no purpose as you’re not to sleep on them, they’re decorative. The only saving grace is that they came with the set and dont, for one moment, think that I went out purposely to find them. I went into “Bed, Bath, and Beyond” thinking I would find people who like sex in multiple places and boy was I surprised.

Being a man at my age, it’s safe to say that most people I know are married or in the process of becoming so. And as I talk to them I hear the same thing over and over (from the men, at least). They always talk about how the women bring in an inordinate amount of pillows. And every night before bed, they take them off and neatly place and stack them somewhere in the room; and every morning they make the bed and carefully rearrange them in perfect placement.

I don’t know about you but if I’m not sleeping or fucking, I don’t spend much time in the bedroom. So, here’s my question: Who on God’s green Earth are those pillows for and what purpose do they serve? They are decorative! I understand decorating the living room and even throw pillows on the couch. I suppose, if and when the time comes that I get married, that I’ll spend a good number of nights on the couch and I think I’d appreciate having extra pillows there. But on the bed in a room that nobody goes in? And pillows that can’t even be used?

The whole thing seems entirely nonsensical to me. So if anyone can give me a legitimate reason for these thing beyond “They’re there for decoration.” I’d be happy to hear it. I think it’s merely a warning sign to the men or any women, other than the one that lives there, that the guy is taken and forsaked all others. Kind of like the way animals mark their territory with urine. From now on, when I see a bed that was recently inhabited by only a male and now has more pillows than there are stars in the sky, I will know that the bed has been “pissed on” and will therefore refer to them simply as “piss pillows.”

Conversely, guys, if you find your way to a woman’s bed and the sheets are even the least bit disheveled and there are no piss pillows, that means that a man sleeps there as well and he’s a strong motherfucker to get away with not putting them back in place and you should, therefore, get the hell out of there quickly.

In the meantime, I’m going to take a nap on my bed with TWO pillow.

~Doc V

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